


To leave here without you for life

by barkspawnvevo



Series: Conquer the stars [4]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, after me3, fluff-ish, not quite, post-destroy, something of an afterlife!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-26
Updated: 2015-07-26
Packaged: 2018-04-11 08:34:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4428587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barkspawnvevo/pseuds/barkspawnvevo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Crucible was activated and with a blast of light burning across the galaxy, the Milky Way is now without synthetics. However, to Kaidan Alenko this is not the biggest thing in his mind. The love of his life, Commander Shepard has been missing ever since the massive weapon purging the Reapers was turned on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To leave here without you for life

**Author's Note:**

> Since buying Mass Effect trilogy for PC some time ago, my ending has been MEHEM, Mass Effect Happy Ending Mod, courtesy of MrFob on Nexus (because I'm a sucker for happy endings in which the hero and their loved ones ride into the sunset). However, before this, I played the games on Xbox 360 and since there was no mods for that, my canon ending was Destroy. And ever since getting the "Breath"-scene I've played around with the idea of writing how I think stuff went down (in Shenko!verse).  
> Also, how did Kaidan get back to Earth from the mysterious planet the Normandy crashlanded? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> Title lyrics from Bleak ft. Ana Johnsson - Fate (I would've liked to quote a longer section from the song [I fear nothing but to leave here without you for life], but it would've been too long with a length of eleven words, so I just picked the last seven).

Kaidan Alenko felt his heart pounding from panic. He and a squad of other Alliance marines willing to take on the mission were on what was left of the Citadel space station. The station had been left in Earth's orbit after the mysterious light from the Crucible had set the galaxy on fire and clenched the  Reapers from it. Kaidan had heard from Hackett that it was possible that Shepard had made it to the beam and reached the Citadel - that she had been the one who had lit up the sky. But no word from her had been heard since. As soon as Kaidan had heard this, he had gathered a rescue team to leave with him to the station. And as he was making his way through the rubble, everything reminding even closely human got his hopes up - only to be disappointed a few seconds later when realizing that it was yet another husk or a corpse of a Citadel civilian. Couple of survivors here or there raised his morale: after making sure someone came to take care of them, he ventured on. It might've been a hopeless search, but he had to know. If there was even a slightest chance...  
The last time Kaidan had been so worried for Shepard was just before they had left Earth after the Reapers hit. Anderson had taken Shepard to the committee hearing and not ten minutes after the floor in which the hearing was held got hit by a Reaper laser. Kaidan had tried to contact Anderson, but all he had gotten was complete radio silence. As soon as he had gotten the signal, his first question had been "Is Shepard alive?", and his mind was set to ease when Anderson told him that she was with him. For the next hour or so Kaidan had been in hell. He and Lieutenant Vega had fought their way to the Normandy, and as soon as they reached it, a call from Anderson had ended in a sinister note of "We got wounded down here", which left Kaidan wondering if the said wounded would include Shepard. And as he had seen her running towards the Normandy seemingly uninjured, a hope had lit in his heart. When Shepard had, for her own or for Kaidan's comfort, taken Kaidan's hand when Normandy departed, leaving Vancouver and burning Earth behind them, that same hope had gotten new forms: maybe the story between them hadn't been yet told after all.  
He spotted yet another figure in the midst of rubble. This one was stuck under some fallen debris from a roof atop of them. Kaidan lifted the piece of debris with his biotics and as he had done multiple times within the spawn of few hours, casted a biotic barrier bubble and bent down to examine the body. He would've known her anywhere.  A mixture of emotions swept over him: he was glad, scared, worried, relieved, all at the same time. However, the body in front of him was so fragile, so broken that he was worried if it actually was her. The mouth that had always been curved to a smile and what he had touched with his own so many times was now slashed with a wound traveling all the way from her cheekbone to her lower lip. The freckles across her face were covered in dirt, her dark hair partly burned and partly soaked in blood from a wound from her forehead. Her eyes were closed, but there was movement in them. And when Kaidan took his hand to feel her pulse and her breath, he found both of them feeble and weak.  
But as soon as he remembered that the frail body of a human in front of him was the same strong woman who he had held in his arms so little while ago and who had always whispered silent "I love you"s to his ear because she had thought that saying it out loud was corny, the only thing that mattered was that tiny piece of hope that she could once more return. The brittle, unmoving person Kaidan was holding was Shepard and he would do anything to keep her safe.  
The husks were gathering outside the barrier bubble trying to claw their way in. Kaidan was filled with rage. He detonated the biotic barrier and set husks surrounding it flying while yelling "YOU WILL NOT TAKE HER" from the top of his lungs.

It was the forest again - the same one where she had been in her nightmares. But this time she was not alone. There was a figure standing somewhere nearby, hidden in the shadows. She reached to her waist for her gun, but it was not there. The figure made a ghastly sound that sounded like a laughter. "Were you really going to shoot me?", it said and ascended from its hiding place, "Even before knowing who I was?". Her fists clenched and she stared at the shadows, ready to take down the possible hostile. For her surprise, the figure stepping out was... herself. Shepard's eyes grew wide and she took a step back.  "I have gone through the whole clone business before, but not in my head. What are you?", Shepard asked and her double rolled her eyes. "I am many things. Every possible outcome if you had done different choices? I know and have seen all of them. I am everything you could've been. I am your righteousness, your dreams, your memories... Some would even say I'm the voice in your head". Shepard nodded without relaxing due to a fear of the double's surprise attack if she herself let her guard down. "How come am I meeting you? Shouldn't we be one?" she inquired. "Ah, well that's a good question. You see, me, despite being in our head, and your consciousness - you in particular - are two different things. The physical form we are running needs us both to be functional, but we are not the same. We only work together", the double answered. "When we're out there in the physical world, your consciousness runs the show. But here, in your head? It's me time. Remember that asari commando in Noveria? Yeah, that's pretty much you, if you still identify with that dying meat vessel, right now. Sure, you can go back, spend a few minutes in agony of your dying body and then be back here again.. Or you can now just walk in the light, embrace eternity, meet your lost loved ones again et cetera et cetera.  Save time for both of us. The sooner you go, the sooner I can stop this 'your inner voice' -bullshit and go on too. Can't wait to see what the next life has in store for me", her double said and stretched her hand examining her fingers. "What are my injuries?", Shepard asked, unsure if she even wanted to know.  "Oh, you're basically bashed, my friend. Or, well, that it is of course ambiguous. I'd call two broken legs, an open wound on your left arm, a punctured lung, five broken ribs and an injury in spine 'bashed', but yeah, that's just me".  
Shepard was shocked. She had died once already, but at that time, there had been no forest, no double. It had been an easy relief that time: her lungs had been on fire when air was running out and around her, she had felt the freezing coldness of outer space closing its claws around her. By then, she had been dead before she even hit the ground on Alchera. But now, she was in front of a choice. To keep fighting or to just disappear, perhaps for forever this time. Dying wasn't the only door open when she had to run inside as it had been three years ago: it was now one of the two. It would most likely again come as a sweet relief, but not so quickly, not so tempting. It would come as a darkness sweeping over her, making an insuperable wall between her and the ones she loved. "No, I.. Have to go back. If I have even a slightest chance..", Shepard said. The double scoffed. "'Slight' is a pretty big overstatement, sweetheart. I'm partly in your body right now.. And let me tell you, the pain is pretty unbelievable. And it's only a matter of time until the left-over husks and other Reapers' pets arrive. But, your choice. See you in a few", the double said and snapped her fingers. Everything went dark.

She awakened to the midst of a battle. She noticed that she was lying on the ground, familiar figure in blue-and-black armor standing next to her, using his biotics and his gun. On her other side, few meters away, stood a ghastly creature with a head fringe and glowing eyes. A Marauder. She moved her gaze to see Kaidan too busy to notice the attacker behind his back. She tried to scream to him so he'd notice, but there was no voice coming out - even breathing hurt so much that she couldn't even remember if it had ever been painless. She stretched her uninjured hand and by putting weight on her elbow, she managed to rise her upper body from the ground. She knew standing up would be impossible - it didn't need her double's mocking voice to tell her that both of her legs were indeed broken. She rose up her other hand, and with every last wisp of energy left in her body she lifted the Marauder up using her biotic pull.  
Kaidan, who seemed to have heard the shrieking sound of the Marauder, turned around. He saw the beast floating in air and shot it. At the same second Shepard fell down. Kaidan hurried to her side and carefully lifted her to his arms.  
_This is it._ The double had been right: the pain was unbearable. _At least I got to see you for the last time._ Her breaths were weak, but she knew she still could say her final words. "Kaidan", she said with a weak voice, feeling agonizing pain with every letter. "I am here,  I won't let anyone take you. You will make it through this", he answered to her and she heard the whirring of an omni-tool adding medi-gel. She lifted her uninjured hand to his cheek. "I'm sorry", she whispered, "good night". The look of sheer panic on his face was the last thing she saw as her senses shut down one by one.

 _Where am I?_ It didn't seem like the forest. She had expected to go back there, to be mocked by the double about how it probably wasn't worth it to go back just for a few agonizing minutes.  
All of a sudden, there was a voice "What do you mean 'Won't probably ever wake up'?", she heard Kaidan's voice asking. "There's no being alive who could deny the greatness of the Commander's deeds, but despite being a hero, the commander... is still just a human. And a human body isn't meant to endure the kind of injuries the commander has", another voice, both female and unknown to Shepard, answered. "I am sorry".  There was a sound of descending footsteps and hiss of a door closing. Shepard heard Kaidan make a frustrated grunt and punch a surface, presumably a table, nearby. She wanted nothing more but to open her eyes, rise up and let him know that she was awake, that she could hear him and that whatever hope he had was not in vain. However, it all started to feel like a dream far away as a wave of soothing feeling washed over her and world turned black again.  
  
The next time she awoke, she was not again able to open her eyes. As she cursed this in her mind, she heard someone entering the room. A clutter of sounds indicated that someone rose up from a chair next to her bed. "Kaidan Alenko, Special Tactics and Recon. And you are..?", the other voice asked. "Captain Hannah Shepard", the voice by the door answered. _Mom._ "Oh! I am terribly sorry, Mrs. Shepard, I should've recognized..", Kaidan said, his voice stuttering. "It's okay", her mother's voice said with a melancholic note. "So, you're Kaidan. Clay.. Claire, I mean, has told me about you". She moved closer to Shepard and Shepard felt her mother touching her face, wiping away stray hairs from her forehead. "What is her condition? What do the doctors say?" Captain Hannah asked. "I won't lie to you, the prognosis is bad. They say she.. may never wake up", Kaidan answered with a loud gulp. Shepard felt her mother's touch stiffening as Kaidan gave the answer to her question. "The war may be won, but the casualties... They are yet to be counted", her mother said. "Though I think we both know that this girl is a fighter. She will come back to us", Hannah continued, consoling both herself and Kaidan. "Yes.. She hates nothing more than things left unfinished", he answered. "Just in case you were wondering.. This hospital should be safe. For now, at least. Liara - a friend, Claire might've mentioned her sometime - came by the other day. She had it from a reliable source that what's left of Cerberus believes that Commander Shepard is dead. They shouldn't come after her here". "Thank you. That is a relief to hear. Some good news, at least", Hannah answered.  Shepard felt the sedative kicking in and knew that soon enough she'd be asleep again.  
  
"... have you heard about me?", Kaidan asked with a smile in his voice. "Enough to know that if my daughter ever calls me and tells me that her heart's broken, I know who to blame", Hannah answered. Kaidan laughed. A clinking sound indicated that either Hannah or Kaidan were drinking coffee or tea and now let their mug down on a platter. "It has been a pleasure to meet you, Kaidan", Hannah said. "Even though, I would've preferred Claire would had been the one introducing you to me", she continued with her voice turning sad. "If you don't mind me asking.. Every now and then you call Claire 'Clay'. I assume that's a childhood nickname?", Kaidan asked her, changing the subject. "Yes.. As a child, Claire always asked me or her father to tell her stories of Earth, despite being born in space. She was utterly fascinated of the home planet - though the first opportunity to visit it didn't occur until she was 15 years old. She was also keen on exploring her environment, so every time we moved into a new ship, she would be lost during the first night. One time one of the instructors returned Claire to our family's quarters. The accent of that instructor was very peculiar, almost as if three or four accents from Earth had been mixed together. As he handed Claire to me, he told me that she had been a very brave girl. When he pronounced her name, his accent made it sound a bit like 'Clay'. I thought that it was a fitting nickname for my little Earth-loving adventurer", her mother said with nostalgic tone in her voice. "I am glad you and Claire found each other. It puts my mind at ease to know someone is looking out for my daughter". Shepard heard Kaidan chuckle. "I guess we just stumbled into each other the worst time possible", he said. "Mind you, 'the worst time possible' is the best time to find someone. I should know. After all, me and Claire's father met during the most chaotic time of mankind's history, soon after the discovery of Charon Relay and the beginning of intergalactic travel. And by that time, dallying with a fellow soldier seemed like the worst idea ever. Never could I have imagined that that idea would give me so much... Claire included", Hannah said and took a sip from her cup. "What good is a chaos if it doesn't come with some new beginnings?"  
  
As she gained some of her consciousness one time, Kaidan was standing or sitting next to her bed. "Hey", Shepard heard Kaidan whispering, "I was told that every now and then you can hear and understand things around you. It's when your blood is low on sedative and the refill hasn't yet pumped in. The doctors talked medical and I didn't quite catch up with everything they told me, but they said it might be a sign of recovery. So, hi. Thought I'd catch you up with what's happening here. It's been five months since.. You know. You've been in hospital, in medically induced coma. Your mom has visited whenever she has been able. Everyone from Normandy has come by too at least once. Garrus, Jack, Liara, Miranda, Tali... Everyone. Every person whose ever been part of your team is wishing you well. Alliance has downplayed your survival so people... don't get their hopes up". Kaidan stopped talking and took a deep breath. He took Shepard's hand between his. "I was thinking back some memories the other day. Remember when we were on Mars right after Earth got hit? You and me, we were searching for a transmitter so we could trick Cerberus into sending us a tram. We found that husk-looking dead Cerberus soldier... And I asked you if that's what they did to you. You got offended - and I realized only later why - and tried to explain that you and that soldier were nothing alike. I also asked you if the real you was still in there somewhere.. And you gave me the greatest answer in the world: 'I never left'.  Then you rolled your eyes and said that you didn't believe words would not convince me. After that you called me an 'old stubborn fool' with your 'you're not supposed to hear this but I know damn well you will' -voice. Why I remember this is because.. After that moment, even though I was unsure what Cerberus exactly did to you or what was your state of alliance with them that time, I realized two things: a) that it had been years since the last time I had wanted to kiss someone that badly and b) no matter what had happened to you with Cerberus, you had been you the whole time and you always would be. Even if I was not able to see it, you were still the same person I had followed to the hell and back... and who I loved then and always will. But right now.. You are once again somewhere I can't follow, and it's killing me".  
"I don't know if you can hear me now, but...", he continued with his voice breaking. "Please, come back. I'm begging you, keep fighting. You have beaten the odds so many times before. Please, do it just one more time. If for nothing else than to prove it that they were wrong when they said you couldn't".

For the first time in what had felt like an eternity, Shepard was able to open her eyes and look around her. She was - had been the whole time - in a hospital room. White, generic and sterile were the first adjectives she could come up with if asked to describe the room. She noticed Kaidan sitting next to her bed. He had fallen asleep with his elbows against his knees and his forehead supported by his palms. Carefully, she twined the fingers of her uninjured hand between his. And when she whispered "Good morning" with a weak smile on her lips, her heart raced as she saw his eyes open and light up.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me from Tumblr in  
> barkspawnvevo.tumblr.com


End file.
